Thank You, Goodbye

I am a pauper among the nobles
The retard among the geniuses
Their reach is for the global
While I can only hold the nooses

Pathetic, I am, lost and tired
If I could just hold my breath
Or have a rope in my neck wired
Drip the crimson until my death

Say goodbye to those who knew me
Not your fault, a crime of mine
This, an authority’s final decree
No need to look behind my “fine”

Your existence is something I loved
I was happy, I was living the moment
But all dreams must come to an end
Continuously stuck in this nightmare

Comforted by your arms when you hugged
A sudden feel of relief washed by your scent
Thank you for being someone I can depend
But this is something I can no longer bear

Thank you for believing when I can’t
Words may not overturn this situation
This warmth that only you can grant
Still, please forgive this rash decision

You’re my first hello and last farewell
I hope you find what you’re looking for
Waiting until the final ring of the bell
Until it has opened———Death’s door

Teary-Tired

A cloudy, bad day with a handkerchief in hand, rain threatens

It’s cold, I’m numb, face, eyes, ears, cheeks all reddened

Curtains of black where I escape, I let it hug me and lengthen

Be blind, be observant, I no longer want to carry the burden

After the Signs

Oh! My burning eyes and splitting mind takes a toll on poor little me

Bleeding and swollen, red all I envision but it’s only all temporary

Crashing and jumbling, I’m all blanked out, dotted lines are pretty

My! Don’t look at me like I’m faking it all; it hurts me deeply, I’m happy.

Don’t worry, I’m fine.

Just let it be, don’t cross the line.

I openly show the signs.

Though I guess, you’re emotionally blind.

This, I Promise

Yet another night of silent howls I pledge I shall last

A note filled with thank you’s and sorry’s to you I trust

For those who have seen, eyes open, mouths shut

To the underlying self, calm down don’t ever cut

 

I assure you this is not anything you seem it to be

Just found an enlightenment and a bit of relief

Gates of the unknown, not yet, not an entry

I realized that it is mine to hold my belief of grief

 

A broken happy place where I shall not return

Rebuild as I want, not just the right time for now

All these uncertainties and doubt, I’ll let it burn

Its process and methodology, don’t ask me how

 

It’s rather comforting to know your by my side, listening

I feel better for now, all smiles, avoid the berating

I’ll try to finish all these puzzles as if it was a cinch

To this I promise, I won’t be the next Theodore Finch

 

For tomorrow and the next, I shall laugh and smile, welcoming you all as I stand on the ledge of my mind.

String of Apologies

String of curses you scream, so what do you want me to say?

That I’m sorry because I’m a good-for-nothing, lazy child?

That I’m sorry because I can’t leave my computer for a day?

That I’m sorry because I act like an animal out in the wild?

That I should be f—–g acting at my age like a proper lady?

That I should be changing my ways because I’m not a guy?

That I should be changing because I’m an immature baby?

That I should be changing my habits because I would die?

Fine! Yes, I’ll say sorry but not until you cool your head off!

Fine! Yes, I’ll say sorry but not until I am mentally stable!

Fine! Yes, I’ll say sorry but not until you can accept who I am!

Fine! Yes, I’ll say sorry but not until I am done with this work!

The thing is I sacrifice time, effort and friends for my education.

The thing is you can never fully understand my experiences.

The thing is I’m ready to throw away emotions and connections.

The thing is you don’t know how easy I sway from my stances.

I have reasons for not telling you what I feel and all those problems.

I have reasons for not confiding all the distresses and nightmares.

I have reasons for keeping my mouth shut and stay looking solemn.

I have reasons for hiding every single thing and be silent on my affairs.

You have no idea about the tears that randomly fall while I try to glee.

You have no idea about the meaning of my painful laughs’ sound.

You have no idea about my anger that disappears when you’re happy.

String of curses I will scream but not anywhere that I can be found.

 

I’m sorry for letting the emotions take over me.

excuses

the only thing you’re good at

is making people feel like a doormat

All because you feel the best

I’ll admit, you all, I detest

don’t spout excuses available to you

because we all have problems too

it will always be a matter of priority

at least you don’t have to worry

since your grades are way too high

feels too wrong to actually lie

I’m only expressing my opinion

because you’re not the only one struggling

and definitely not the one suffering

so go along with your minions

don’t worry I won’t explode

I’ll just let my mind erode

constricted and suffocated, I am

I’m too tired to actually give a damn

so keep your shitty argumentation

don’t give me a bigger lesion

Don’t Want To Be

Don’t want to be at the top
Just wanna stay in the dumps
Avoid, avoid that horrible plop
Down below, just nice few bumps

Don’t want to be the fastest
Just wanna stay at my own pace
Evade, evade the cheaters’ nest
Far from them, on my own trace

Don’t want to be the superior
Just wanna be the member
Escape, escape, I feel inferior
Inside, I’ll never be a leader

Don’t want to be the best
Just wanna be like the rest
Wait, wait, don’t drag me on this
Outside, I’ve gotta be the pretty miss

I don’t want to stay like that
So, I will up keep this facade
Forget my life as a dirty rat
It’s feels vilely bad to be sad